the lyrics to this kelly clarkson song fit perfectly. because of all the events from the last post, i just don't feel like i have a shot. my ability to believe in a marriage free of divorce is dwindling...i don't know if i can believe in a happy marriage. i don't necessarily feel like i will for sure get a divorce...i definitely don't believe i will not. i feel like, after time, it's inevitable, for whatever reason. be it money, or religion, or the love dying...it's inevitable. i do not ever want to get married, and have kids, and then puts kids through a divorce. it just isn't fair. they never asked for it-why put them through it. even if i said i am in a marriage and WILL NOT get a divorce, i can't be in control of the other person's actions. what if he loses attraction to me, or if there's someone else who is better?
i don't know. i think i am just afraid of failure. since i can't be sure of what will happen if i get married, it's like i just don't want to even venture there. i seem to find something wrong with every guy i date, and i think it's only for this fear of failure that i find some ridiculous flaw in a somewhat normal, gentlemanly guy. i've dated here and there, but it never seems to go past a few dates or a few weeks of dating, and it's usually always ended on my behalf. i have only had one serious relationship and that lasted about two years. the funny thing is that this guy didn't really deserve me. i mean we always have so much fun when we are together. we never fight. no matter what we are doing, it's perfect. it's just right when we are together. the problem is that i give my all in relationships. i gave him my all. he gave me nothing. i went to visit him when he moved away. twice. i spent thanksgiving with his family and not mine. he never came to visit me. he didn't come for my graduation. he didn't come for my birthday. he didn't even send a card. the only time he ever sent me anything was for valentine's day, and that's the day you are supposed to if you're in a relationship. big whoop.
even though he doesn't deserve me, i find myself craving to be with him. other guys i dated in the past who treated me like a million dollars, i said goodbye to. i found a flaw....or maybe i made one up just so i could end it. do i desire to be with him because it's comfortable? because it's not like he covers me in love. he tells me he loves me, but living so far apart he doesn't show it. do i desire to be with him because i am used to my father not giving me much attention, and they say that you usually end up with someone like your father? if someone asked me if i wanted to be with a guy who was selfish i would say heck no. i definitely "want" to be with someone who is just as crazy about me as i am about him. i just don't know. when i think about all these feelings, again, i just want to quit. i am sure there are others who feel the way i feel. it's so confusing.
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