the lyrics to this kelly clarkson song fit perfectly. because of all the events from the last post, i just don't feel like i have a shot. my ability to believe in a marriage free of divorce is dwindling...i don't know if i can believe in a happy marriage. i don't necessarily feel like i will for sure get a divorce...i definitely don't believe i will not. i feel like, after time, it's inevitable, for whatever reason. be it money, or religion, or the love dying...it's inevitable. i do not ever want to get married, and have kids, and then puts kids through a divorce. it just isn't fair. they never asked for it-why put them through it. even if i said i am in a marriage and WILL NOT get a divorce, i can't be in control of the other person's actions. what if he loses attraction to me, or if there's someone else who is better?
i don't know. i think i am just afraid of failure. since i can't be sure of what will happen if i get married, it's like i just don't want to even venture there. i seem to find something wrong with every guy i date, and i think it's only for this fear of failure that i find some ridiculous flaw in a somewhat normal, gentlemanly guy. i've dated here and there, but it never seems to go past a few dates or a few weeks of dating, and it's usually always ended on my behalf. i have only had one serious relationship and that lasted about two years. the funny thing is that this guy didn't really deserve me. i mean we always have so much fun when we are together. we never fight. no matter what we are doing, it's perfect. it's just right when we are together. the problem is that i give my all in relationships. i gave him my all. he gave me nothing. i went to visit him when he moved away. twice. i spent thanksgiving with his family and not mine. he never came to visit me. he didn't come for my graduation. he didn't come for my birthday. he didn't even send a card. the only time he ever sent me anything was for valentine's day, and that's the day you are supposed to if you're in a relationship. big whoop.
even though he doesn't deserve me, i find myself craving to be with him. other guys i dated in the past who treated me like a million dollars, i said goodbye to. i found a flaw....or maybe i made one up just so i could end it. do i desire to be with him because it's comfortable? because it's not like he covers me in love. he tells me he loves me, but living so far apart he doesn't show it. do i desire to be with him because i am used to my father not giving me much attention, and they say that you usually end up with someone like your father? if someone asked me if i wanted to be with a guy who was selfish i would say heck no. i definitely "want" to be with someone who is just as crazy about me as i am about him. i just don't know. when i think about all these feelings, again, i just want to quit. i am sure there are others who feel the way i feel. it's so confusing.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
broken
a huge part of my life is dedicated to music, so every post title will be a song title expressing my current emotions. this one is from lifehouse, and the title alone says it all. i am broken. my life has been so messed up for so long, for several reasons. i think most all the reasons are my fault. i have allowed myself to be broken and messed up instead of trying to heal and get over past hurts. everyone goes through rough times. no one has it easy.
it all started when my parents got a divorce. that was hard. i will never forget the time my parents broke the news to us. my brother was in the shower. as soon as he got out they told him. i was in the shower while they told him. i think, since he was older, he was entitled to hear first. after i got out of the shower they broke the news to me. then we all sat around the table and ate dinner. i remember my dad trying to make a joke about our family dog, in hopes of lightening the situation. that was pretty rough, but there were lighter days ahead.
my mom started dating a new man, and my dad started dating a new woman. of course it was tough at first, but we all adjusted pretty well. after a while they both decided to remarry. this was exciting to me. my dad remarried a woman with two kids, a boy and a girl. we are all close in age, so i was pretty stoked.
my mom's story is a bit more complicated. she was dating this man. he had it all-good looks, he was smart, outgoing, sporty. he was a guy everyone loved to be with. they dated for a while and talked about marriage. before they got married he suffered a stroke. he wasn't supposed to live, but he did. he wasn't supposed to walk, but he did. he never regained feeling in his left arm, and he limped every time he walked with his left leg. they had to take a chunk of his brain out, and he was never the same again. it is sad to think of the change in him over the years. i feel for him. anyways, after the stroke, my mom and this man decided there was no time to waste. if they wanted to get married, they better do it soon because you never know what might happen. so they married. he has 2 sons who are both younger than my brother and i, and they were sweet boys.
my dad and stepmom are still happily married. they've been married around 13 years now. my mom and step-dad's relationship fizzled after a while. the fights were frequent. his boys desperately wanted him back with their mom. the family was a wreck. it was not a happy household. after maybe 6 or 7 years, they divorced. oh yeah, i forgot a very important detail. they had a son together a year or two after they married. a new little brother. it was so exciting! i had never had a younger sibling-i feel like i helped raise him, and it was a task i gladly accepted. when my mom told me they were getting a divorce, my heart completely broke. i was worried about him-would he marry again? could he take care of himself? i was worried about my mom too, but she is not handicapped and i know she can take care of herself. before thinking of them, though, i thought of my little brother. how could this happen again? why did he have to go through this? i felt so sad for him, and still do. so they divorced.
maybe a couple years after they divorced, enter man 3 for my mom. she met a guy that she said was nice and they talked over the phone. i was a little skeptical, but i couldn't really be until i met him. he lived in another state, so after months of talking on the phone they decided to meet. they met, and the infatuation continued. before i knew it she wanted us kids to meet him. so we did. right from the beginning i had a weird feeling about him. i didn't like him. i had no reason not to like him, but i didn't. i couldn't give an explanation-it was just a feeling. time went on and they eventually married. i never really accepted it until their wedding day. i decided i would either be happy or not be happy, but regardless, i couldn't stop it. so i chose to be happy for them. life was great. i finally accepted this man as my mom's husband, my new step-dad. we were a family again. my mom had to move to his state with my little brother. that was sad, but it's something they had to do. one week at school i had a hard week and decided going home to see them sounded like just what i needed. once i got there i witnessed him being verbally abusive. i was completely shocked. i had no idea something was wrong. my mom then confessed that it started about a month after they married. of course she didn't tell me. what good would that do? this began a sick history of events that included abuse-emotionally, verbally, and physically. it lasted about a year. up until this point, abuse was something so foreign to me. now it was my life. i became afraid. afraid of a man. afraid for my mom and little brother. i also became incredibly angry at the situation. several times the cops were involved. after a long, sad marriage, it ended. what a relief. even though it was a relief to be away from all that, the effects have been everlasting.
i could go on and on. for now, i have to be done. just typing this out was exhausting. reliving these events...i am a little bit on overload...tomorrow i will continue.
it all started when my parents got a divorce. that was hard. i will never forget the time my parents broke the news to us. my brother was in the shower. as soon as he got out they told him. i was in the shower while they told him. i think, since he was older, he was entitled to hear first. after i got out of the shower they broke the news to me. then we all sat around the table and ate dinner. i remember my dad trying to make a joke about our family dog, in hopes of lightening the situation. that was pretty rough, but there were lighter days ahead.
my mom started dating a new man, and my dad started dating a new woman. of course it was tough at first, but we all adjusted pretty well. after a while they both decided to remarry. this was exciting to me. my dad remarried a woman with two kids, a boy and a girl. we are all close in age, so i was pretty stoked.
my mom's story is a bit more complicated. she was dating this man. he had it all-good looks, he was smart, outgoing, sporty. he was a guy everyone loved to be with. they dated for a while and talked about marriage. before they got married he suffered a stroke. he wasn't supposed to live, but he did. he wasn't supposed to walk, but he did. he never regained feeling in his left arm, and he limped every time he walked with his left leg. they had to take a chunk of his brain out, and he was never the same again. it is sad to think of the change in him over the years. i feel for him. anyways, after the stroke, my mom and this man decided there was no time to waste. if they wanted to get married, they better do it soon because you never know what might happen. so they married. he has 2 sons who are both younger than my brother and i, and they were sweet boys.
my dad and stepmom are still happily married. they've been married around 13 years now. my mom and step-dad's relationship fizzled after a while. the fights were frequent. his boys desperately wanted him back with their mom. the family was a wreck. it was not a happy household. after maybe 6 or 7 years, they divorced. oh yeah, i forgot a very important detail. they had a son together a year or two after they married. a new little brother. it was so exciting! i had never had a younger sibling-i feel like i helped raise him, and it was a task i gladly accepted. when my mom told me they were getting a divorce, my heart completely broke. i was worried about him-would he marry again? could he take care of himself? i was worried about my mom too, but she is not handicapped and i know she can take care of herself. before thinking of them, though, i thought of my little brother. how could this happen again? why did he have to go through this? i felt so sad for him, and still do. so they divorced.
maybe a couple years after they divorced, enter man 3 for my mom. she met a guy that she said was nice and they talked over the phone. i was a little skeptical, but i couldn't really be until i met him. he lived in another state, so after months of talking on the phone they decided to meet. they met, and the infatuation continued. before i knew it she wanted us kids to meet him. so we did. right from the beginning i had a weird feeling about him. i didn't like him. i had no reason not to like him, but i didn't. i couldn't give an explanation-it was just a feeling. time went on and they eventually married. i never really accepted it until their wedding day. i decided i would either be happy or not be happy, but regardless, i couldn't stop it. so i chose to be happy for them. life was great. i finally accepted this man as my mom's husband, my new step-dad. we were a family again. my mom had to move to his state with my little brother. that was sad, but it's something they had to do. one week at school i had a hard week and decided going home to see them sounded like just what i needed. once i got there i witnessed him being verbally abusive. i was completely shocked. i had no idea something was wrong. my mom then confessed that it started about a month after they married. of course she didn't tell me. what good would that do? this began a sick history of events that included abuse-emotionally, verbally, and physically. it lasted about a year. up until this point, abuse was something so foreign to me. now it was my life. i became afraid. afraid of a man. afraid for my mom and little brother. i also became incredibly angry at the situation. several times the cops were involved. after a long, sad marriage, it ended. what a relief. even though it was a relief to be away from all that, the effects have been everlasting.
i could go on and on. for now, i have to be done. just typing this out was exhausting. reliving these events...i am a little bit on overload...tomorrow i will continue.
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